[ read intro in Vin Scully voice] It's time for Dodger baseball. Live from Via Pergola Stadium. Hi everyone and a very pleasant Thursday with you wherever you may be. We are at Via Pergola where Passover is now happening.

Let's go over some ground rules before we begin.  

1. No complaining. Except for Ron Beck. He gets to complain ONCE. Repeat: you get to complain one time about one thing. If you complain more than one time, you have to go drive to Calabasas right away and have Passover with the Hadashians and Cohens.

2. those are all the ground rules needed at this time.

Lighting candles and saying a blessing over them marks a time of transition, from the day that is ending to the one that is beginning, from ordinary time to sacred time, from offseason to spring training to opening day.

Lighting the candles is an important part of our Passover celebration because their flickering light reminds us that "What is to give light must endure burning" - Viktor Frankl (referencing the sweet feeling of victory watching Clayton Kershaw win the WS because of all his failure of giving up bombs in the 7th inning).

Light a candle and your home and say the prayer:

Baruch Atah Adonai Eloheinu melech ha'olam asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav, v'tzivanu l'hadlik ner shel Yom Tov.

Blessed are You, Adonai our God, Umpire of the Universe, who has blessed us with strikes and balls for the great light of baseball season.

We light the festival candles to brighten our thoughts, words, and stock prices for the many months ahead.

All Jewish celebrations, from holidays to weddings, include wine as a symbol of our joy (and a way to increase joy). Passover is basically a drinking game of 4 glasses of wine. Now imagine, that wouldn't even be considered Alex's pregame drinking quantity. Her poor liver. 

We drink to remind us of the sweetness of victory. Every Dodger season begins with dreaming of the champagne pops in the locker room after winning that final World Series game. 

We recite this blessing, not over the singular joy of winning a World Series, but over every process of winning, from Juan Uribe practicing bunts in spring training to Kenley Jansen trying to convince himself he can still be the closer. We bless the gifts of sun, seed and soil transform the grapes in alcohol. We even bless the gifts of the hangover that will ensue tomorrow.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם,
שֶׁהֶחֱיָנוּ וְקִיְּמָנוּ וְהִגִּיעָנוּ לַזְּמַן הַזֶּה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam,
she-hechiyanu v’key’manu v’higiyanu lazman hazeh.

Praised are You, Lord, our God, Whose presence fills the universe, who has given us the gifts of life and strength and enabled us to reach this moment of joy.

Drink the first glass of wine!

Water is refreshing, cleansing, and purifying. Before we go wash our hands, let's reflect: The year is 2017. The Astros beat the Dodgers in the World Series Game 7. They cheated. They stole the game. Let us cleanse ourselves of the dirty mess of 2017. Let us cleanse ourselves from Dodger seasons years past and prepare for the upcoming season.

Now let's all wash our hands. Seriously, go wash your hands. Stop complaining about it and let's all just go do it real quick.

Tonight we recognize the cycles of nature. Baseball is all about rebirth. Sometimes it's the regular season, sometimes it's playoffs, and sometimes it's the offseason when Mitchell is boasting about some unknown Dodgers prospect.

The vegetable to dip represents our joy after the 2020 quarantine. Let us be outside and enjoy nature. Let us stand in the outfield grass witht= the sun shining down during a day game. But we do not forget about the sorrows that the game brings (saltwater). We will inevitably fail more times than we succeed. Yet if we fail only 7 times and succeed 3 times, then we have a shot at the hall of fame. 

Before we eat it, we recite a short blessing:

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הָאֲדָמָה

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree ha-adama.

We praise God, Umpire of Everything, who calls the strikes, balls, outs, and runs of the game.

Now dip the vegetable into saltwater and eat. 

As we go through the seder, the matzah will be transformed. It will cease to be the bread of strikeout and inning ending double-plays and it will become the bread of comeback home runs, stolen bases, and hitting through the lineup a million times vs the braves, scoring 11 runs in the first inning. 

Please designate a matzah person to break the middle matzah - the bigger half magically becomes the afikoman, the prized prospect who wins a starting job in Spring Training (Gavin Lux).

3...2...1....*Break the middle matzah*

Reader:

Don't be Yasiel Puig. Every time we are able to act with compassion rather than anger, we stop the flow of violence and can get a contract with a Major League Baseball team instead of wasting away talent.

All:

May all who are hungry get at-bats.

Everyone say the prayer below and finish your current glass of wine as if you're at Maestros and Todd Harrison is screaming at you for being amateur hours.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Mitchell, will you please get up and pour everyone some wine for us all. While we fill our next glass, Ron, please share your favorite Dodger baseball memory (it can be the Gibson home run story if you so choose).

Asking questions is a core tradition to Jewish life. Let us take turn with the 4 questions.

מַה נִּשְׁתַּנָּה הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה מִכָּל הַלֵּילות

Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol haleilot?

All: Why is this Dodger season different from all other seasons?

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכלין חָמֵץ וּמַצָּה הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה כֻּלּוֹ מצה

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin chameitz u-matzah. Halaila hazeh kulo matzah.

All: At all other seasons, we argue about playoff Kershaw. This season, we argue about how many more championships he will win. 

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכְלִין שְׁאָר יְרָקוֹת הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה מָרוֹר

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin shi’ar yirakot haleila hazeh maror.

All: On all other nights we complain about Frank McCourt, but tonight we only think about our appreciation for Andrew Friedman. 

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אֵין אָֽנוּ מַטְבִּילִין אֲפִילוּ פַּֽעַם אחָת הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה שְׁתֵּי פְעמים

Shebichol haleilot ain anu matbilin afilu pa-am echat. Halaila hazeh shtei fi-amim.

All: On all other seasons we watch other teams celebrate a World Series. But tonight, we proudly show the 2020 World Series victory. 

שֶׁבְּכָל הַלֵּילוֹת אָֽנוּ אוֹכְלִין בֵּין יוֹשְׁבִין וּבֵין מְסֻבִּין. :הַלַּֽיְלָה הַזֶּה כֻּלָּֽנוּ מְסֻבין

Shebichol haleilot anu ochlin bein yoshvin uvein m’subin. Halaila hazeh kulanu m’subin.

All: On all Passovers we talk about Don Mattingly, and on this Passover we talk about Dave Roberts.

Our tradition speaks of how four different types of morons reacting differently to the Passover seder. It is our job to make our story accessible to all the members of our community, so we think about how we might best reach each type of moron:

The Zack Greinke moron asks,    What are the testimonies and laws which God commanded you?

We should read this moron the entire book of Exodus, reciting every single statute and law, such as "Do not cook a young goat in its mother's milk". When we are finally done, everybody will be tired, and the moron will be asleep not listening. Because although this moron tried to be wise, this moron is really just a smart-ass. 

The Trevor Bauer moron asks,    So it is okay to cook an older goat in its mother's milk? That's fucking stupid! To hell with your ritual, and to hell with you!"

Trevor Bauer is far removed from suffering, and thus has lost the essence of the teachings. This moron usually recieves a new iPhone every year, despite having a perfectly good one. You might ask say to this moron: “If you had been in Egypt, would you have been redeemed? No, because you would be too busy filming yourself for social media." Then give the moron a 40 million dollar contract.

The Justin Turner moron asks,    What is this?

To this moron, answer plainly: “Thank you for staying with the Dodgers as they leave Egypt into the promise land". Then the simple moron might then say, "I only re-signed because they gave me enough money". 

What about the moron who doesn’t know how to ask a question?

We teach this kid how to bunt, play a couple of years of tee-ball, then hope that he still likes baseball enough to go to Dodger games.

The Passover story begins thousands of years ago in 1997. Peter O'Malley, who owned the Dodgers since Brooklyn times, has reached an agreement in principle to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers to Fox Group. Yes, Fox. The next year, Fox traded eventual Hall of Fame catcher Mike Piazza to the Florida Marlins for a package that included Gary Sheffield.

2003, Fox sells the Dodgers to...Frank McCourt. McCourt ruled the Dodgers like a Pharaoh in Egypt. He stole the last names off the jerseys to save money. He hired a Russian psychic named Vladimir Shpunt to watch the games and channel his “V Energy” towards the players. True story. McCourt was a schmuck. He made the Dodgers into slaves.

The Dodgers sucked. McCourt decreed that every Dodger prospect to be traded to Giants. Ned Colletti stashed away one prospect without McCourt seeing: little baby Clayton Kershaw. Kershaw grew up as the prized prospect. 

Kershaw witnessed extreme oppression of the McCourt. In passionate anger, he gave up homerun after homerun after homerun. He was so embarrassed in his inability to pitch in the playoffs. He thought his World Champion dreams were over.

In the middle of a cold offseason night December 2011, Kershaw was pitching in the bullpen by himself with a bucket of balls. Suddenly, the batting cages caught on fire. As he got closer, a figure was in the middle of the fire: the ghost of Jackie Robinson. He told Kershaw, "If Kirk Gibson could have two broken hamstrings and still hit a game-winning homerun, then you can become a champion one day and forget your mistakes." He said, "Kershaw, bring respect back to the Dodgers organization. Get Magic Johnson to help you. He beat AIDS. He can beat McCourt.

One day, Moses witnessed the extremes of oppression while watching an Egyptian beating a slave for no reason. In passionate anger to stop the event, Moses killed the Egyptian. Moses then fled from Egypt, making his escape by riding off on a speedy young sheep.

Moses went to the land of Midian, where he became a professional shepherd. One day, while Shepherding, he saw a bush on fire and speaking in a voice that sounded like Morgan Freeman's. It turned out to be God, who told Moses that he was going to rescue the Israelites from slavery to take them to some place warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. A little place called Aspen. Moses replied "I don't know God, the French are assholes."

Kershaw asked the McCourt to free the Dodgers, but the McCourt refused because he was a schmuck. So Kersahw brought upon ten plagues that got scarier and scarier. Finally, the McCourt let Magic Johnson take the Dodgers away from Egypt and into the savior land.

We fill our cups with $300 wine to remember how happy we were when this happened. But we are not totally happy, because we are Jewish, and thus we can never be truly happy except when the Dodgers win the World Series. Oh wait a second! 

Dip a finger or a spoon into your wine glass for a drop for each plague that Kershaw cast upon McCourt. Read the original plague and the Dodger plague. 

Blood | Jonathan Broxton | דָּם

Frogs | Hanley Ramirez broken rib | צְפַרְדֵּֽעַ

Lice | Chase Utley breaking that guy's leg | כִּנִּים

Beasts | Ryan Braun | עָרוֹב

Cattle disease | Clayton Kersahw's 7th innings | דֶּֽבֶר

Boils | Pedro Baez | שְׁחִין

Hail | The Astros | בָּרָד

Locusts | Yu Darvish | אַרְבֶּה

Darkness | Manny Machado | חֹֽשֶׁךְ

Death of the Firstborn | The Giants winning 3 World Series | מַכַּת בְּכוֹרוֹת

After Magic Johnson bought the Dodgers, Frank McCourt goes, "I have made a terrible mistake". So he kept the parking lots and tried to take back the team by teaching the Astros to cheat in the 2017 World Series. 

Kershaw and the squad realized the only way to take that last step towards championship would be to get one more player to fulfill destiny: Mookie Betts. And everyone knows McCourt is racist and can't stand Mookie Betts. The rest is history, the boys in blue come back from the 3-1 deficit in the braves, Mookie Betts's defensive glories push the team ahead of the Rays to claim the championship finally. 

Dayenu means, "to have enough". We will always want to win every season. But we have to realize what is enough in watching and enjoying baseball.

We get to listen to Joe Davis instead of Joe Buck—Dayenu
We have Kersahw Bellinger and Mookie Betts—Dayenu 
We have the 2020 World Series highlights on YouTube to watch— Dayenu
Larry H Parker is doing good enough that we can still buy Dodger tickets—Dayenu
We all have at least 1 Dodger hat—Dayenu
We witnessed at least 1 Dodger Championship in our lifetime—Dayenu
We are all healthy—Dayenu

The promise we make for our third glass of wine is this: We promise to always keep optimistic that the Dodgers will comeback in the 9th inning. We promise to go to the bathroom in the 8th inning so we are ready to go in the 9th inning with 2 outs. We promise to give love to our own personal Dodger dogs (Scully, Mookie, and Blue).

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, אֱלֹהֵינוּ מֶלֶךְ הָעוֹלָם, בּוֹרֵא פְּרִי הַגָּפֶן

Baruch Atah Adonai, Eloheinu Melech ha-olam, borei p’ree hagafen.

We praise God, Ruler of Everything, who creates the fruit of the vine.

Find your third glass of wine!

We now fill a cup of wine for the prophet Elijah who is a symbol of redemption. The redemption for a team of all the players that went into this championship: Mark Sweeney, Jeff Kent, Jason Schmidt, Manny Ramirez, Andre Ethier, Matt Kemp, Juan Uribe, Adrian Gonzalez, Yasmani Grandal. May any of these people be welcomed at the Via Pergola house. 

Open the door to let in ex-Dodgers to feel the redemption

"About the only problem with success is that it does not teach you how to deal with failure" - Tommy Lasorda

Vin Scully's farewell message:

May God give you for every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.

There will be a new day, and eventually a new year. And when the upcoming winter gives way to spring, rest assured it will be time for Dodger baseball.

So this is Vin Scully, wishing you a very pleasant good afternoon, wherever you may be.